Monday, February 6, 2017

HOW TO CONQUER NINJA FEAR

What in tarnation do ninjas have to do with cooking you ask? Well, that's an interesting question.

There is a ninja in my kitchen...dressed in black...with lots of steel and sharp blades. If you press the "on" button, it will make those deafening sounds that a ninja makes right before he jumps in the air to attack you.

Did you know that ninjas are vegan...the things you learn. My ninja is vegan. No where in the instruction book does it say to feed it anything except fruit and vegetables or derivatives thereof.

This ninja was not purchased. It was a gift. That in itself is cause for concern. According to Feng Shui customs, knives are an extremely inauspicious gift. One knife is bad. What about twenty steel blades all wrapped up in nice packaging and supposed to enhance your life in the kitchen? Kitchens are dangerous places without ninjas. Here's a lesson for those of you who have not studied Feng Shui...avoid giving knives or sharp objects to anyone unless you don't like them and want them to stay away from you.They send a signal to the receiver that the giver wishes to "sever" the relationship. Some have suggested that the giver is wishing death upon the receiver. Well, that's just dandy.

After researching this a bit further, it turns out that the remedy or cure is to give a coin to the giver of the "knife" gift which will symbolize to them that you bought the "knives" for yourself and want the relationship with them to remain in tact.

Then there's the law of re-gifting. Geez. Did someone get this for Christmas and decided I "needed" it? This is possible considering the timing of the gift and the note attached to it.

The box with "Ninja" written all over the outside with nice colored pictures of the contents was so heavy one person couldn't lift it. That was one reason it wasn't opened immediately. The other more important reason was "ninja fear". What if there is a real live ninja inside? As long as it was just pictures of knives it was acceptable. If the box was opened and its contents revealed, the trouble would begin. So, the box sat unopened on the bench by the backdoor for a week.

When courage...and curiosity... replaced superstition and the box was gently opened, there it was in all its "ninjaness". It was appropriate to be cautious.

First things first...the paperwork describing all the parts and the purpose for each container were in English only. That was weird. I usually search for the French and Spanish versions of instructions and tear those off and throw them away so there's not so much to read.

There were warning signs about the sharpness of the blade...triangles with exclamation points, writing in red on every page, the words "warning" and "sharp" repeated everywhere just in case you didn't believe it the first time you saw it.

I saw it...read it...and slowly started pulling the different parts from the box.

Ouch!!! You guessed it. The blades are sharp!!! My initiation? A deep cut on my middle finger. That was two weeks ago and it is looking like I might have needed stitches. I will conquer this thing!!

The fifteen year old Kitchenaid food processor that has been the only chopping/juicing/pureeing appliance to occupy the kitchen...EVER...(well, except for my dear husband...and he is a kind of ninja)...was about to be replaced...not my husband...the other appliance...no, he's not an appliance...moving on...finally.

The old food processor has big blades that have been handled repeatedly without an injury.  I can see why they brag about the Ninja food processor...my goodness...it is well named.

It is has now been successfully placed into service chopping onions and garlic for soup, making smoothies and making salsa. Its next challenge will be to also make some chocolate chip cookies. If that goes well, the "giver" will receive them as a  symbol that I wish to stay in the relationship with them...better than just a silly little coin...well, it says to give a coin so I'll slip one into the cookie box...maybe place three Chinese coins on a red ribbon to wish them happiness, health and prosperity. At least that will make me feel better...them too if they were thinking I might give it back to them.

If you're feeling sorry for the old Kitchenaid it's not necessary. It wasn't tossed on the trash heap. It sits quietly in the shadow of the Ninja...who wouldn't?...waiting to perform the functions that the Ninja can't...namely juicing the lemons and oranges. It's old and needed a rest. I feel good about that.

Standby 911.


No comments:

Post a Comment